Reflecting on Life’s Final Chapter with a New Lens

Talking about the end of life often comes with a certain awkwardness and unease. Recently, I have found myself increasingly drawn to understanding better how we navigate the end of life. I’m sure this interest is because the elders in my family are all in their 80s and 90s, and I have been on the sidelines while two family friends, again elders, utilized medical assistance in dying in Canada. I became even more interested in the work of death doulas specifically after seeing Alua Arthur speak at TED in 2023. I am motivated to explore death doula volunteer work because I feel strongly that everyone should have the option for companionship at the end of life. 

I just completed death doula certification, and not only did I become immersed in the roles and responsibilities of death doulas, the course also shifted my views on how I want to approach planning for the end of my life. To be honest, I had not really given the last few months, let alone my last few days much thought, but the course helped me realize that there are numerous considerations. It also helped me identify what is important personally as I think about that journey. Of course, all of this planning could easily go out the window when the time arrives, but I found the process of contemplating issues that I generally don’t give space to or avoid, refreshing, enlightening and oddly uplifting.

Thinking About the Unthinkable. Right from the start, the course posed challenging reflection questions. First, I was asked to journal about how I’d choose to spend my time if I knew I only had three months left to live. This made me think in a detailed way about my priorities. I realized that my focus would be on making memories with the people I love, and curating artifacts and writings from my life that I’d want them to have.

Then, I was asked to imagine what I would want my death vigil to look like. I reflected on my father’s peaceful death at home in his own bed, surrounded by family, flowers, candles and his favorite classical music. I knew that I wanted something similar but I hadn’t articulated it consciously until I took this course. 

As an organized person, the idea of preparing special keepsake boxes for my loved ones appeals to me. These boxes, filled with notes, videos, photos, and meaningful mementos, would be my way of leaving a part of myself behind, ensuring my memory lives on in a tangible way. I realized that there are special artifacts from my life that I want to give away to friends and family now. What am I waiting for?

The Art of Active Listening. Another valuable opportunity delivered by the course was deep training in the art of active listening. As a coach, I spend a lot of time listening… and it is a skill that can always be improved and goes so far beyond just hearing someone else’s words. Exquisite active listening is a practice that involves fully immersing yourself in the conversation, engaging not just with words but with heart and soul. It’s about being present in the moment, and truly hearing someone without any preconceived agenda. It also means becoming attuned to the other person’s nervous system and listening deeply to what their whole being and body is communicating and conveying to you.

Ultimately, the greatest gift of this death doula course wasn’t about becoming comfortable with the idea of death; rather, it was more about enriching my appreciation for life. It has encouraged me to put a conscious effort into valuing the present, cherishing my relationships, and engaging more deeply with those around me. 

By contemplating life’s final chapter, I’ve accessed a renewed zest for experiencing all the chapters leading up to it.